NVC - another way to see the world

Nonviolent Communication (Wikipedia Definition):

Nonviolent communication (abbreviated NVC, also called compassionate communication or collaborative communication is a communication process developed by Marshall Rosenberg beginning in the 1960s. It focuses on three aspects of communication: self-empathy (defined as a deep and compassionate awareness of one's own inner experience), empathy (understanding and sharing an emotion expressed by another), and honest self-expression (defined as expressing oneself authentically in a way that is likely to inspire compassion in others).

Nonviolent communication is based on the idea that all human beings have the capacity for compassion and only resort to violence or behavior that harms others when they don't recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs. Habits of thinking and speaking that lead to the use of violence (psychological and physical) are learned through culture. NVC theory supposes all human behavior stems from attempts to meet universal human needs and that these needs are never in conflict. Rather, conflict arises when strategies for meeting needs clash. NVC proposes that if people can identify their needs, the needs of others and the feelings that surround these needs, harmony can be achieved.

While NVC is ostensibly taught as a process of communication designed to improve compassionate connection to others, it has also been interpreted as a spiritual practice, a set of values, a parenting technique, an educational method and a worldview.

There is a story about Gandhi:
At the beginning of his nonviolent resistance campaign, Gandh had visited the English governor of India at that time and told to him:

`Congratulation, we have a conflict together!`

One of the most common obstacles that many of the people encounter when they start to apply NVC in the daily life is that almost mechanic appearance of it. It sounds weird, at least at the beginning.

I even recall someone telling to me (approximate quote): This Nonviolent Communication is really violent. I will not start to think how I feel, what my needs are, and then to speak about observations, feelings, needs and requests. This is no life! `

Indeed, I believe now that the shortest way for a NVC-beginner to make the others to hate NVC is to ask them what their needs are. And this is a mistake that is very easy to do it when we start to apply NVC.

After using NVC a lot in my inner work, I discovered that actually, even the process is called Nonviolent Communication the base is actually not the communication itself. It is not so much about the way we communicate, is about the place from we communicate.

And this place is shaped by the way we think and see the world. There is a dominant-society paradigm (which I call it The Matrix paradigm) and a life-serving paradigm – the NVC one.

Here is a table with some of the most important difference between them:

The ”matrix” paradigma	NVC-paradigma
Good/bad, Wrong/Wright	Fulfilling or unfulfilling the needs, Functional/unfunctional
Normal/abnormal	acceptance, embracing diversity
Criticism, shame, blame	Feed-back
Negative attention – we aim to avoid something wrong – even negative prays	Positive attention – we aim for our dreams
Adversaries  de conflict	Conflict partners
Fear-economy	Sacred economy
Conflict as bad thing, to avoid al all costs or to repress by violence	Conflicts as wrapped gifts, to open by empathy, connection and mediation
Zero-sum game	Win-win game
Rulers	Leaders
Concurrence, competition	Cooperation
Power over	Power with
Guilt/duty motivation	Inner core – motivation – the joy of giving
Punishment and rewards	Consequences
Retributive justice	Restorative justice
Self-ish/Self-less	Self-fullness
Obey/Rebel	Participate (be part-of)
Unconscious irresponsibility: Using a language that deny responsibility  for our feelings and for our actions: ”I had no choice, I had to”	Radical responsibility: assuming full responsibility for our feelings and for our actions
Demands	Requests
What (the fuck) is wrong with you/me?	What is alive in you/me?
Newtonian physic	Quantum physic