Powerful Compassionate Communication exercise –assuming Radical Responsibility

Nonviolent Communication, also called The Language of Life or Compassionate Communication it is a language that teach us Radical Responsibility. It is like a wonderful 4-steps dance: step-one-observing-the-situation, step-two-expressing-the-need, step-three-assuming-the-responsibility-for-our-feelings, step-four-making-a-request.

As any language, has a Grammar. It is a very simple grammar, with just few rules. And the most important one is to assume the responsibility for our own needs.

Examples:
Grammatically incorrect (denying responsibilities)	I am feeling sad because you   (did something).	We attribute the cause of our feelings to others.
Grammatically correct (assuming responsibilities)	I am feeling sad because I  (have a need that is not fulfilled).	We are aware that the cause or our feelings are our own needs (fulfilled or un fulfilled).

Even there are just few rules, this doesn`t mean that is simple to learn and apply. It requires a lot of practice.

Here is one of the most powerful exercises I came across with it while I was studying Compassionate Communication:

Take a sheet of paper. Think about all the activities that you do and you hate to do it.  Write them down in the middle of the sheet. Let some space before the activities and more space after them.

Then, look at the list and then, for every activity write down:

 I choose to do ........... (activity in your  list) because I need .............................. (your need )

It may be that you will find hard to write down that you choose to do some of that tasks. Don`t give up. It is a process. So, go back and complete the sentence:

I choose to do.................. because I need..............................

The result can be astonishing.

Last time when I did this exercise, I was applying it to a situation that was less than enjoyable for me. I was feeling miserable and I was partially playing what Marshall Rosenberg use to call in his inimitable way PPPPPT – he said that this is the clinically terminology for Pretty Poor Protoplasm Poorly Put Together.

So, I had taken a piece of paper and I wrote down:

I choose (it was not so hard for me to admit that it was my choice, because I practice a lot this exercise)....

.... I chose to stay in this situation because I need.... because I needed a place to feel at home.

Then, everything became clear to me. I was not feeling at home anyway. Staying in that situation, it was not a need but a strategy. A dysfunctional one which was not meeting my need. So, I changed the strategy – I changed the place.  And it worked!

If this looks to simple to work, give it a try, anyway.  You may be surprised.

And I would like to have some feedback about the results!

Permaculture in Zone Zero

One year ago I had a Permaculture Design Course, at Aurora community, in Romania. At the beginning of the course, Claudian Doboș, the main facilitator, told us something like that:

- This will be a life-changing experience.

There is this AnaConda, my strong and very sarcastic inner warrior that was immediately triggered. There are so many books, movies or events that claims that they can change the life of the peoples so is already a wonder why the world is not already full with enlighten people... 

NVC - another way to see the world

Nonviolent Communication (Wikipedia Definition):

Nonviolent communication (abbreviated NVC, also called compassionate communication or collaborative communication is a communication process developed by Marshall Rosenberg beginning in the 1960s. It focuses on three aspects of communication: self-empathy (defined as a deep and compassionate awareness of one's own inner experience), empathy (understanding and sharing an emotion expressed by another), and honest self-expression (defined as expressing oneself authentically in a way that is likely to inspire compassion in others).

Nonviolent communication is based on the idea that all human beings have the capacity for compassion and only resort to violence or behavior that harms others when they don't recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs. Habits of thinking and speaking that lead to the use of violence (psychological and physical) are learned through culture. NVC theory supposes all human behavior stems from attempts to meet universal human needs and that these needs are never in conflict. Rather, conflict arises when strategies for meeting needs clash. NVC proposes that if people can identify their needs, the needs of others and the feelings that surround these needs, harmony can be achieved.

While NVC is ostensibly taught as a process of communication designed to improve compassionate connection to others, it has also been interpreted as a spiritual practice, a set of values, a parenting technique, an educational method and a worldview.

There is a story about Gandhi:
At the beginning of his nonviolent resistance campaign, Gandh had visited the English governor of India at that time and told to him:

`Congratulation, we have a conflict together!`

One of the most common obstacles that many of the people encounter when they start to apply NVC in the daily life is that almost mechanic appearance of it. It sounds weird, at least at the beginning.

I even recall someone telling to me (approximate quote): This Nonviolent Communication is really violent. I will not start to think how I feel, what my needs are, and then to speak about observations, feelings, needs and requests. This is no life! `

Indeed, I believe now that the shortest way for a NVC-beginner to make the others to hate NVC is to ask them what their needs are. And this is a mistake that is very easy to do it when we start to apply NVC.

After using NVC a lot in my inner work, I discovered that actually, even the process is called Nonviolent Communication the base is actually not the communication itself. It is not so much about the way we communicate, is about the place from we communicate.

And this place is shaped by the way we think and see the world. There is a dominant-society paradigm (which I call it The Matrix paradigm) and a life-serving paradigm – the NVC one.

Here is a table with some of the most important difference between them:

The ”matrix” paradigma	NVC-paradigma
Good/bad, Wrong/Wright	Fulfilling or unfulfilling the needs, Functional/unfunctional
Normal/abnormal	acceptance, embracing diversity
Criticism, shame, blame	Feed-back
Negative attention – we aim to avoid something wrong – even negative prays	Positive attention – we aim for our dreams
Adversaries  de conflict	Conflict partners
Fear-economy	Sacred economy
Conflict as bad thing, to avoid al all costs or to repress by violence	Conflicts as wrapped gifts, to open by empathy, connection and mediation
Zero-sum game	Win-win game
Rulers	Leaders
Concurrence, competition	Cooperation
Power over	Power with
Guilt/duty motivation	Inner core – motivation – the joy of giving
Punishment and rewards	Consequences
Retributive justice	Restorative justice
Self-ish/Self-less	Self-fullness
Obey/Rebel	Participate (be part-of)
Unconscious irresponsibility: Using a language that deny responsibility  for our feelings and for our actions: ”I had no choice, I had to”	Radical responsibility: assuming full responsibility for our feelings and for our actions
Demands	Requests
What (the fuck) is wrong with you/me?	What is alive in you/me?
Newtonian physic	Quantum physic